She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
