I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.