My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.