I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
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My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
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I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP