Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
