your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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