I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
