bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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