Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.