i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas