Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
They took my balls.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.