I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
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Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.