So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
