there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
