Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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