if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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