She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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