summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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