Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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