making cat noises will not fix the situation.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Dating After Heartbreak
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.