I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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