Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
