I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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