Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
