I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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