But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
