If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
