Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
