I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
being pregnant is like rehab
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
