I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
