Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
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