tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
