turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
