I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
