turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
