I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize