smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I would ride that face into the sunset
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
