$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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