I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
