honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
