Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I FOUND THE LEGS
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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