There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
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Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
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Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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