so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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