Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
