If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
