what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
