No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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