Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
