He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
