in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
