Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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