Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
