Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
