Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
