Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
