I'm so fucking centered right now
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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