Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
