There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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