U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
wanna go halves on a baby?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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