Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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