I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I'm at about main and main street
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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