I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
All I want is dick and wine.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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