i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Randomize
